V Day or D Day?

"I still believe that one word simply cannot describe you. But here is my go; enchanting. From the moment I met you I couldn't really ever get you out of my mind." ~ My Ex-Boyfriend

Well, I have not written anything in a really long time. Jeeze! Winter quarter is flying by and I have found absolutely no free time for anything. Especially lately because I have been sick...Well I still am sick, but on the upside of it! (I hope) Anyhow, I am sitting here in my dorm room...alone...on Valentine's Day...How pathetic, I know I know. And not only is the fact that I am sitting here alone pathetic, but the fact that I am sitting here writing a blog about it is even more pathetic. So yes, this is me. Pathetic Kylene. Cool.

I guess the reason I decided to sit down and just write is because it is Valentine's Day. Not that I've ever really cared about it in seriousness. Because honestly, it is kinda overrated. But I don't know. I was supposed to go swing dancing with my girl friends and then binge on sugar cookies, but for some reason I completely chickened out and didn't want to. Yes, I owe part of it to my sickness and tiredness. But normally that wouldn't stop me. For some reason, I just wanted to run off and be by myself and cry. And I hate that I feel that way. I am not the kind of person who mopes around on V Day complaining about how lonely she is and hating everyone around her who is happy. I really honestly could care less. But I think what it is, is I see tons of couples I don't know walking around holding hands. And they just look so happy. And I look at my two closest friends here and they are single too. But they both have guys talking to them and showing interest. All year, I have had nothing of the sort. I am not complaining because I see my friends getting noticed, because it really does make me happy. But it just makes me miss what I had even more. Because I used to be the girl in one of those couples you saw holding hands. People looked at me and saw how happy I was. I am happy now too, I just miss those days sometimes.



See, I really did put those black things under my eyes!



No, I don't miss the pain I went through and the really hard times I had. No I don't miss the relationship per say, but I miss parts about it. I know that it was not the right relationship for either of us. But at the time, it was just nice. We held hands when we walked. He have me his jacket when I was cold. He held me when we watched scary movies. He gave me goodnight kisses. We used to spend hours laughing and joking around. That was my favorite part about our relationship I think...How much we laughed. We used to have so much fun. One time we randomly decided to have a water balloon fight! It was so much fun! I drew those black line things under my eyes like a football player and everything! We battled and of course I won! But we just had fun running around like little kids and being silly, soaking wet...Sometimes we went down to the river too. It was so peaceful and beautiful down there. We just sat there on rocks and told each other things. I basically told him my whole life story. I know, shocking that I would do something like that! But just being with someone you care about and simply being is the most incredible thing in the world. I could carry on forever writing about my good memories, but I don't think dwelling on them is the best thing for me to do right now.

I guess what I am complaining about this time is that I miss being with someone. Some of my friends are single too, but they have been single for over a year. Which I would say is better than what I have. Last Valentine's Day, I had someone. No, we didn't do anything special because we weren't technically dating. But I can remember last Valentine's Day and he was who I thought of. It's so fresh that I can still feel it. And the fact that that feeling is still so fresh and vivid in my memory is what makes this V Day so much harder for me. And I honestly didn't expect that at all. I am glad I am single right now because I know that I need to grow a lot more before God leads me to another relationship. But a part of me just wants what I had, only better. Without all of the mistakes and heartache I had before. It's just hard to believe that there is someone out there for me, when there literally are NO prospects at all. Blah.

Anyway, I am going to stop moping and complaining now. Valentine's Day...not my favorite. I am not a hater though. It's just not very fun this year. Maybe next year will be better. In the meantime...

Love, chocolate, and other beautiful things,

Kylene