Music is the art which is most nigh to tears and memory. ~ Oscar Wilde
I have recently found myself reminiscing and thinking about my high school experience. Though in reality I was a high schooler only seven short months ago, it feels like it has been forever since my graduation and final choir concert. It seems like I have been here at college for my whole life. And don't get me wrong, I absolutely love college! It is seriously the best time of my life! But I just find myself missing the things I had in high school that I will never be able to get back. I DO NOT miss immature high schoolers, pointless busy work, and chemistry. What I miss is choir. I miss getting up before the roosters did, to go to Lirico every morning. I miss having 1st period Chanteuse every day. I miss singing in cathedrals, going on choir tours, and I even miss wearing the purple dresses that we fondly called "the purples." Those dresses were ugly as sin by themselves, but with an army of girls who sang beautiful music together in them, they were simply beautiful. I wish now, that I hadn't have given mine back to the department. But what's done is done. Anyway...
I just miss what I had in that choir department at University High School. There were times where I was having the worst day and all I had to do was walk into that choir room to find people smiling and singing to feel instantly better. It was one of the few places in high school I felt completely safe and comfortable. Something about that room was just so welcoming. Part of it may have been the Tour T-shirts and posters on the walls. Part of it may have been the students who were constantly hanging out in there. But most of it was because of the director, Mr. Seaton. He welcomed anyone who wanted to sing and shared his passion for music and life with everyone. He was the spirit behind the U-high choral program and he put everything he had into making beautiful music and teaching his kids. He taught us so much more than music though. He taught each student he came into contact with about life and about themselves. There were days where he would just randomly hop on his soap box (and he literally had a wooden box that was labeled "soap box") in the middle of class and share things with us. Sometimes he told us about his wife and little girls. But most of the time he shared wisdom with us. He told us about life and love and finding the value within ourselves. He inspired us to work hard and to live life to the fullest. He spoke to us as if we were his own children. He was our "Papa Seaton." Sure, he was harsh at times and he was very clear about what his expectations for us were. But it was because he knew what we were capable of and he cared so much about the music. He always seemed to give us that extra push we needed to work even harder. He was the heart and soul of the choir department and the students who worked with him were so very lucky. I thank God that I had four years working with him.
Not only do I miss Mr. Seaton though...Choir was much, much more than just working with him. Choir was a place where all my best friends were. And the best part about it was that we all shared one commonality, no matter how different we were. We were all there for the same reason; we loved music and we all had a deep connection to it and passion for it. To have that in your friendships is so valuable, in my opinion. These people understood me and why I was the way I was. I am lucky to have that here in my friendships at college for my passion for theatre. I love theatre and there will never be a replacement for it in my heart. But choir is different. The choir experience I had was so much different than any other person here at Central has had. And that is a struggle for me. My friends understand why I love theatre so much. They see the value in it. But they have no idea how much choir means to me (even those who did choir in high school too. Many of them even participated in top level choirs). But no one here understands what I went through and knows what my program was like. It was special and it is impossible for anyone who was not there with me in high school to fully understand why.
Choir was not just going and singing for an hour or two to me. It was my life, besides theatre. It was what I came to school every day for. And I know many students who would say exactly the same thing. I went to chamber choir every morning at 6:30 and let me tell you, it was hard! I was often very crabby because of it. There were a few times I got maybe two hours of sleep because I was in a show, had a huge load of homework, and would have to work on my music at home, and then have to get up early for choir. It was tough. But I wouldn't have had it any other way. Choir was the best thing to start my day with. It was frustrating sometimes, but it was worth it. Spending my morning in Lirico and Chanteuse right afterward was what made the rest of the day bearable. I could just get lost in the music and forget about all of the stress waiting for me outside that choir room door. I could work hard on new music, be with all of my friends, and do what I loved to do. Getting to sing every morning for four years is something I will always remember and cherish. And it is something I will never have again.
My senior year was the most challenging year I have faced so far in my life. And it was because of a million things! School, applying and auditioning for colleges, playing the lead in the musical, etc. But what made this year so challenging, was choir. I went though a lot of emotional things my senior year and it made it hard for me to handle all of the stress that choir was adding. I was a leader in the program and I had a lot on my plate. At the end of the year, Mr. Seaton had to leave us early, which was stressful for everyone. We had to run our own concerts and manage ourselves. To ask high schoolers to do that is a very difficult thing. But we were brought up by a man who taught us everything we needed to be able to get things done, and done well. Mr. Seaton taught us to be independent and how to work together too. So that is what we did. Looking back on it, I don't know how I became the leader in all of it, but I did. I took care of everyone and I ran things the way Mr. Seaton would have...Let me tell you, an 18 year old girl trying to fill the shoes of a 30-some year old man is just as hard as it sounds! I have never done anything so difficult in my life. I ran rehearsals, worked on parts with my choirs, organized the concerts (with the help of friends), and conducted my own choir in my senior concert.
Now, before I proceed, let me tell you how I expected my senior concert to go. Ever since my freshman year, I imagined that my senior year would be like everyone else's. I expected to have a carnation pinned on my dress, be one of the seniors to give a final inspirational and emotional speech before the concert, sing up on the risers with my choirs, and on the closing song of the evening I was going to bawl my eyes out and hold hands with all of the other senior girls in Chanteuse. We would hug each other and Mr. Seaton would tell us how proud he was of us. That is how I wanted my last concert to go. But instead, here is how it went....
Instead of standing around and chatting with the rest of my peers before the concert, I was running around making sure everything was getting done and things were being taken care of. I was getting the carnations for the seniors ready, making sure the programs were set out, making sure there were ushers at both doors to the theatre, and managing everything else that was going on. During the time where the seniors usually gave their big speeches, I was sitting on the floor with everyone else as one of the other students who helped run things gave a grand speech (he was a junior and he felt the need to always take charge of everything). I waited for him to hand the floor over to me, but that moment never came. So I sat there while my senior speech was being given by a know-it-all junior. I mean, don't get me wrong. He was helpful and he did help me with my conducting and he played the piano for me. But as the selfish senior that I was, I felt completely gypped. So then the concert proceeded. When it was time for Chanteuse to sing, I was not filing on to the risers with everyone else as I normally did. I was the one up in front making the introduction and talking to the audience. And I was the one who stood in front of 50 girls who were depending on my every move. I conducted them through all of our songs. I didn't get to sing any of them, except for the last song, which didn't need a conductor. And I was more terrified than any other person in that theatre. Conducting my own peers in front of over a hundred people is the most terrifying in the world! But we got through everything well and I lived through it. After the rest of the choirs sang (and I sang in them as an actual member), the awards were handed out by one of Mr. Seaton's colleagues. Usually, they were handed out by him, but seeing as he couldn't be there, that was impossible. So she handed them out and I ended up winning the Directors Award, which is a huge honor. It was too bad that my parents didn't get to see me accept it, and still don't know that i won it. (why they didn't show up at the concert, I don't know. But it's kinda too late to bring it back up now.) And then we sang the final group song of the year. I got to stand by all the seniors. But I didn't shed a tear like I had hoped. I just stood there and sang until the song was over and that was it...I may sound like I am complaining about my senior concert, which I am in some respects. It did not go the way I ever imagined it would go. And it did not go the way I really would have liked it to have gone. But it was what it was. And I actually learned a lot more that way. I learned that I really can conduct and that I can get things done. I learned the power of teamwork and believing in myself. And I learned how rewarding it is to have accomplished something so powerful. Not many other students can say that they conducted and ran their own senior concert without their teacher there. Actually, I doubt that any can. I faced a challenge that I truly hope no one else has to ever experience.
So anyhow, I have gone off on a huge tangent of emotions and I have told stories of my high school days and what I have been through. I miss choir. And that is that. It makes me sad that no one here will ever truly get it. And it makes me sad that I can't share my story with the world. (although if I did have the chance, I would spill all of the details, especially the juicy ones!) But I guess that is why I am spilling my guts here. I don't know if anyone reads this, but maybe if anyone is, they will maybe kind of understand what I had and why I miss it so much. It is still a part of me and always will be. Theatre is my one great passion, but there is also a hole in my heart where music and choir go. I hope to fill that hole someday, somehow...But yeah, I guess if you are reading this and really don't care about my story, just take this away from it: Never take anything in life for granted. People, relationships, experiences. You truly never know what you have until it's not there anymore. And all you can hold on to are the memories of it. Hold on to them and cherish them. Just don't forget to be thankful for what you have.
Love, chocolate, and other beautiful things,
Kylene
Oh...P.S. "If Oscar Wilde said it, it must be true" is a line from one of the last songs I sang in high school. If you are one of the other 50 girls who sang it too, you get it. I saw his quote about music and it is completely true. So really, if Oscar Wilde said it, it REALLY must be true.
