l. o. v. e.

This past year, I have learned a lot. I have learned a ton in school about my future career. I have learned about friendship and family. I have learned how to grow up and be even more independent than I already am. I have learned so much about myself. But most of all, I have learned about God. I have changed so much this year, and in the last few months, I have changed even more. I am growing into the woman God is calling me to be, and I have learned who that woman is through His grace and His LOVE... 

Love is what I have really learned the most about this year. I have learned what love is not and what it is supposed to be. I have seen what true love really is. And I'm not talking about romantic love between a man and a woman. Yes, I still have that desire and longing in my heart for that kind of love. But first, I have had to realize that before I can love any man in that way, I have to recognize God's unfailing and unending love for me. And I have had to learn to love God first, before anything else in my life. God is my true, first love and He comes before all things. No matter who is in my life and no matter how wonderful they are, God is the only one who will constantly, unconditionally love me. I mean, we're human. We strive to be like God, but no one can live up to Him. And that's okay. :) That's the point. We aren't supposed to depend on other people for that. God is the only one who we should be completely dependent on at all times. And that can be really hard sometimes. I have failed to see God's passionate love for me in this past year, and I just tossed it aside. I filled His place in my heart with other things and other people. I felt further from God than I ever had before and I closed my eyes to everything that was being destroyed in my life. And I came out of it ripped open, deeply wounded. But there God was, waiting to take me back into His arms and heal me. It just blows my mind that after everything I did to displease Him and how I turned by back on Him, He loved me enough to show me a way out and lead me back to Him. He loved me even though I replaced Him with someone else. He loved me even though I didn't deserve it. And I am so thankful for that. 

I have realized that my heart shouldn't just have a space for God. My whole heart is consumed by God and my love for Him and when He has my whole heart, He brings in the other things to join Him. And that doesn't lessen God's space in my heart. He just takes those things and he consumes them too. And I know that as long as He is my first and only love; the one who overwhelms and consumes my heart, the other things in my life will fall into that love and I can love others the way God does. I know that the man I marry won't just be who I am in love with, He will be a part of God's love and we will love each other through God.We will walk together with God and we will help each other grow in Him. We will work to love others and each other the way God intended and we will operate in His love. And I know that my husband will have God as his number one love in his life too. And we will just live our life based on that. And it just makes me so happy and excited that I get to live that way. :)

I love God with all of my heart. I love myself and who I am. I love my family and my friends. And I strive to share God's love with everyone that I can. And I marvel at how much God loves me. :)

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love" 1 Corinthians 13:4-13 

Love Chocolate and other Beautiful Things,

Kylene

Tough Stuff

You know, recently I have been faced with a lot of crap. I have been stressed and busy and constantly exhausted. I have had to deal with a lot of problems, not just my own. But I have been helping some of my friends get through tough stuff. I have had to deal with disappointment, loneliness, anger, frustration, sadness, and pain. And it's all hitting at once. But you know what? Honestly, who doesn't face problems? And who can honestly say that they only go through one thing at a time? It always seems that everyone gets handed the crap all at the same time. And if I really think about it, my problems really aren't that bad. Sure, they are hard for me. But I know people who go through things that are ten times worse. I can't even imagine. I am so lucky to have a family that loves and supports me. Some people fight with their parents constantly. Some people feel like their parents hate them. Some people turn to drugs and alcohol. They start getting addicted and then they lose control. And then they get depressed and start becoming suicidal. Honestly, I can't imagine being at such a low place in my life. It makes me so sad to think there are so many people out there going through real hell. It humbles me and makes me realize that my problems aren't the end of the world. At all. I just wish I could help more of the people out there who are really hurting. I am doing my best and I am praying. But I don't know. Sometimes, I just wish I had more control over things like that. But I guess that's why we pray to God. Because He has all control over it and He will take care of us. I don't know why I felt the need to ramble about this, but here it is anyway. If you read this, please pray for those people you know or don't know that are going through hard times. :)

Love Chocolate and other Beautiful Things,
Kylene

V Day or D Day?

"I still believe that one word simply cannot describe you. But here is my go; enchanting. From the moment I met you I couldn't really ever get you out of my mind." ~ My Ex-Boyfriend

Well, I have not written anything in a really long time. Jeeze! Winter quarter is flying by and I have found absolutely no free time for anything. Especially lately because I have been sick...Well I still am sick, but on the upside of it! (I hope) Anyhow, I am sitting here in my dorm room...alone...on Valentine's Day...How pathetic, I know I know. And not only is the fact that I am sitting here alone pathetic, but the fact that I am sitting here writing a blog about it is even more pathetic. So yes, this is me. Pathetic Kylene. Cool.

I guess the reason I decided to sit down and just write is because it is Valentine's Day. Not that I've ever really cared about it in seriousness. Because honestly, it is kinda overrated. But I don't know. I was supposed to go swing dancing with my girl friends and then binge on sugar cookies, but for some reason I completely chickened out and didn't want to. Yes, I owe part of it to my sickness and tiredness. But normally that wouldn't stop me. For some reason, I just wanted to run off and be by myself and cry. And I hate that I feel that way. I am not the kind of person who mopes around on V Day complaining about how lonely she is and hating everyone around her who is happy. I really honestly could care less. But I think what it is, is I see tons of couples I don't know walking around holding hands. And they just look so happy. And I look at my two closest friends here and they are single too. But they both have guys talking to them and showing interest. All year, I have had nothing of the sort. I am not complaining because I see my friends getting noticed, because it really does make me happy. But it just makes me miss what I had even more. Because I used to be the girl in one of those couples you saw holding hands. People looked at me and saw how happy I was. I am happy now too, I just miss those days sometimes.



See, I really did put those black things under my eyes!



No, I don't miss the pain I went through and the really hard times I had. No I don't miss the relationship per say, but I miss parts about it. I know that it was not the right relationship for either of us. But at the time, it was just nice. We held hands when we walked. He have me his jacket when I was cold. He held me when we watched scary movies. He gave me goodnight kisses. We used to spend hours laughing and joking around. That was my favorite part about our relationship I think...How much we laughed. We used to have so much fun. One time we randomly decided to have a water balloon fight! It was so much fun! I drew those black line things under my eyes like a football player and everything! We battled and of course I won! But we just had fun running around like little kids and being silly, soaking wet...Sometimes we went down to the river too. It was so peaceful and beautiful down there. We just sat there on rocks and told each other things. I basically told him my whole life story. I know, shocking that I would do something like that! But just being with someone you care about and simply being is the most incredible thing in the world. I could carry on forever writing about my good memories, but I don't think dwelling on them is the best thing for me to do right now.

I guess what I am complaining about this time is that I miss being with someone. Some of my friends are single too, but they have been single for over a year. Which I would say is better than what I have. Last Valentine's Day, I had someone. No, we didn't do anything special because we weren't technically dating. But I can remember last Valentine's Day and he was who I thought of. It's so fresh that I can still feel it. And the fact that that feeling is still so fresh and vivid in my memory is what makes this V Day so much harder for me. And I honestly didn't expect that at all. I am glad I am single right now because I know that I need to grow a lot more before God leads me to another relationship. But a part of me just wants what I had, only better. Without all of the mistakes and heartache I had before. It's just hard to believe that there is someone out there for me, when there literally are NO prospects at all. Blah.

Anyway, I am going to stop moping and complaining now. Valentine's Day...not my favorite. I am not a hater though. It's just not very fun this year. Maybe next year will be better. In the meantime...

Love, chocolate, and other beautiful things,

Kylene

If Oscar Wilde said it...it must be true.

Music is the art which is most nigh to tears and memory. ~ Oscar Wilde


I have recently found myself reminiscing and thinking about my high school experience. Though in reality I was a high schooler only seven short months ago, it feels like it has been forever since my graduation and final choir concert. It seems like I have been here at college for my whole life. And don't get me wrong, I absolutely love college! It is seriously the best time of my life! But I just find myself missing the things I had in high school that I will never be able to get back. I DO NOT miss immature high schoolers, pointless busy work, and chemistry. What I miss is choir. I miss getting up before the roosters did, to go to Lirico every morning. I miss having 1st period Chanteuse every day. I miss singing  in cathedrals, going on choir tours, and I even miss wearing the purple dresses that we fondly called "the purples." Those dresses were ugly as sin by themselves, but with an army of girls who sang beautiful music together in them, they were simply beautiful. I wish now, that I hadn't have given mine back to the department. But what's done is done. Anyway...


I just miss what I had in that choir department at University High School. There were times where I was having the worst day and all I had to do was walk into that choir room to find people smiling and singing to feel instantly better. It was one of the few places in high school I felt completely safe and comfortable. Something about that room was just so welcoming. Part of it may have been the Tour T-shirts and posters on the walls. Part of it may have been the students who were constantly hanging out in there. But most of it was because of the director, Mr. Seaton. He welcomed anyone who wanted to sing and shared his passion for music and life with everyone. He was the spirit behind the U-high choral program and he put everything he had into making beautiful music and teaching his kids. He taught us so much more than music though. He taught each student he came into contact with about life and about themselves. There were days where he would just randomly hop on his soap box (and he literally had a wooden box that was labeled "soap box") in the middle of class and share things with us. Sometimes he told us about his wife and little girls. But most of the time he shared wisdom with us. He told us about life and love and finding the value within ourselves. He inspired us to work hard and to live life to the fullest. He spoke to us as if we were his own children. He was our "Papa Seaton." Sure, he was harsh at times and he was very clear about what his expectations for us were. But it was because he knew what we were capable of and he cared so much about the music. He always seemed to give us that extra push we needed to work even harder. He was the heart and soul of the choir department and the students who worked with him were so very lucky. I thank God that I had four years working with him.


Not only do I miss Mr. Seaton though...Choir was much, much more than just working with him. Choir was a place where all my best friends were. And the best part about it was that we all shared one commonality, no matter how different we were. We were all there for the same reason; we loved music and we all had a deep connection to it and passion for it. To have that in your friendships is so valuable, in my opinion. These people understood me and why I was the way I was. I am lucky to have that here in my friendships at college for my passion for theatre. I love theatre and there will never be a replacement for it in my heart. But choir is different. The choir experience I had was so much different than any other person here at Central has had. And that is a struggle for me. My friends understand why I love theatre so much. They see the value in it. But they have no idea how much choir means to me (even those who did choir in high school too. Many of them even participated in top level choirs). But no one here understands what I went through and knows what my program was like. It was special and it is impossible for anyone who was not there with me in high school to fully understand why.


Choir was not just going and singing for an hour or two to me. It was my life, besides theatre. It was what I came to school every day for. And I know many students who would say exactly the same thing. I went to chamber choir every morning at 6:30 and let me tell you, it was hard! I was often very crabby because of it. There were a few times I got maybe two hours of sleep because I was in a show, had a huge load of homework, and would have to work on my music at home, and then have to get up early for choir. It was tough. But I wouldn't have had it any other way. Choir was the best thing to start my day with. It was frustrating sometimes, but it was worth it. Spending my morning in Lirico and Chanteuse right afterward was what made the rest of the day bearable. I could just get lost in the music and forget about all of the stress waiting for me outside that choir room door. I could work hard on new music, be with all of my friends, and do what I loved to do. Getting to sing every morning for four years is something I will always remember and cherish. And it is something I will never have again.


My senior year was the most challenging year I have faced so far in my life. And it was because of a million things! School, applying and auditioning for colleges, playing the lead in the musical, etc. But what made this year so challenging, was choir. I went though a lot of emotional things my senior year and it made it hard for me to handle all of the stress that choir was adding. I was a leader in the program and I had a lot on my plate. At the end of the year, Mr. Seaton had to leave us early, which was stressful for everyone. We had to run our own concerts and manage ourselves. To ask high schoolers to do that is a very difficult thing. But we were brought up by a man who taught us everything we needed to be able to get things done, and done well. Mr. Seaton taught us to be independent and how to work together too. So that is what we did. Looking back on it, I don't know how I became the leader in all of it, but I did. I took care of everyone and I ran things the way Mr. Seaton would have...Let me tell you, an 18 year old girl trying to fill the shoes of a 30-some year old man is just as hard as it sounds! I have never done anything so difficult in my life. I ran rehearsals, worked on parts with my choirs, organized the concerts (with the help of friends), and conducted my own choir in my senior concert.


Now, before I proceed, let me tell you how I expected my senior concert to go. Ever since my freshman year, I imagined that my senior year would be like everyone else's. I expected to have a carnation pinned on my dress, be one of the seniors to give a final inspirational and emotional speech before the concert, sing up on the risers with my choirs, and on the closing song of the evening I was going to bawl my eyes out and hold hands with all of the other senior girls in Chanteuse. We would hug each other and Mr. Seaton would tell us how proud he was of us. That is how I wanted my last concert to go. But instead, here is how it went....


Instead of standing around and chatting with the rest of my peers before the concert, I was running around making sure everything was getting done and things were being taken care of. I was getting the carnations for the seniors ready, making sure the programs were set out, making sure there were ushers at both doors to the theatre, and managing everything else that was going on. During the time where the seniors usually gave their big speeches, I was sitting on the floor with everyone else as one of the other students who helped run things gave a grand speech (he was a junior and he felt the need to always take charge of everything). I waited for him to hand the floor over to me, but that moment never came. So I sat there while my senior speech was being given by a know-it-all junior. I mean, don't get me wrong. He was helpful and he did help me with my conducting and he played the piano for me. But as the selfish senior that I was, I felt completely gypped. So then the concert proceeded. When it was time for Chanteuse to sing, I was not filing on to the risers with everyone else as I normally did. I was the one up in front making the introduction and talking to the audience. And I was the one who stood in front of 50 girls who were depending on my every move. I conducted them through all of our songs. I didn't get to sing any of them, except for the last song, which didn't need a conductor. And I was more terrified than any other person in that theatre. Conducting my own peers in front of over a hundred people is the most terrifying in the world! But we got through everything well and I lived through it. After the rest of the choirs sang (and I sang in them as an actual member), the awards were handed out by one of Mr. Seaton's colleagues. Usually, they were handed out by him, but seeing as he couldn't be there, that was impossible. So she handed them out and I ended up winning the Directors Award, which is a huge honor. It was too bad that my parents didn't get to see me accept it, and still don't know that i won it. (why they didn't show up at the concert, I don't know. But it's kinda too late to bring it back up now.) And then we sang the final group song of the year. I got to stand by all the seniors. But I didn't shed a tear like I had hoped. I just stood there and sang until the song was over and that was it...I may sound like I am complaining about my senior concert, which I am in some respects. It did not go the way I ever imagined it would go. And it did not go the way I really would have liked it to have gone. But it was what it was. And I actually learned a lot more that way. I learned that I really can conduct and that I can get things done. I learned the power of teamwork and believing in myself. And I learned how rewarding it is to have accomplished something so powerful. Not many other students can say that they conducted and ran their own senior concert without their teacher there. Actually, I doubt that any can. I faced a challenge that I truly hope no one else has to ever experience.


So anyhow, I have gone off on a huge tangent of emotions and I have told stories of my high school days and what I have been through. I miss choir. And that is that. It makes me sad that no one here will ever truly get it. And it makes me sad that I can't share my story with the world. (although if I did have the chance, I would spill all of the details, especially the juicy ones!) But I guess that is why I am spilling my guts here. I don't know if anyone reads this, but maybe if anyone is, they will maybe kind of understand what I had and why I miss it so much. It is still a part of me and always will be. Theatre is my one great passion, but there is also a hole in my heart where music and choir go. I hope to fill that hole someday, somehow...But yeah, I guess if you are reading this and really don't care about my story, just take this away from it: Never take anything in life for granted. People, relationships, experiences. You truly never know what you have until it's not there anymore. And all you can hold on to are the memories of it. Hold on to them and cherish them. Just don't forget to be thankful for what you have.


Love, chocolate, and other beautiful things,
Kylene

 Oh...P.S. "If Oscar Wilde said it, it must be true" is a line from one of the last songs I sang in high school. If you are one of the other 50 girls who sang it too, you get it. I saw his quote about music and it is completely true. So really, if Oscar Wilde said it, it REALLY must be true.

My Own Company

"When the chips are down, you are alone, and loneliness can be terrifying. Fortunately, I've always had a chum I could call. And I love to be alone. It doesn't bother me one bit. I'm my own company."

~ Audrey Hepburn

Audrey Hepburn...The most beautiful person who has ever walked this planet in her high heels and little sleeveless dresses. There were times in her life where she was alone. And she liked it! I have one question: Why can't I be more like Audrey Hepburn?! She was a gorgeous woman who had poise, elegance, and talent. She had it all. And yet, she was still alone for quite some time. In the movies, sure. She always got the man. But real life isn't always like the movies... It makes me realize that everyone goes through this stage at some point in his or her life. Even the best of us.

Though, I am not sitting here wishing for Prince Charming to come trotting down some hillside on a great white horse. I mean, I do want to meet that one person and get married someday. The older I get, the more I realize that if I really wanted to get married today, I could. I am at that age where it becomes a possibility. What a strange thought, huh? ...Actually, it is downright freaky not to mention terrifying! I am sooo not ready to get married! I have just started college for Pete's sake! But, I mean, it is something that does enter my mind at times. Girls always point out some attractive man passing by and say to their girlfriends, "That's my future husband!" And then of course they go into a chorus of giggles and squeals. But seriously, if I say that now, I really could be meaning it! "Hey! That man over there...you know the tall, dark, and handsome one...yep. He is my future husband." And then you meet him, he asks you on a date, you hit it off and date steadily for who knows how long, he proposes to you, and BAM! All of a sudden he goes from the random guy you brand as your future husband to...well, your present husband! How scary is that!? I mean, wow.,,That's it, I am not joking about future husbands anymore! I do not want to deal with any of what could ensue from that joke any time soon. Nope...No.

But anyway...What was I talking about? Oh yes! Audrey Hepburn...Well, see she spent a lot of time alone and she enjoyed every second of it. And I think that I need to do the same. I shouldn't learn to be completely happy alone. I mean, it is healthy to want that kind of relationship in one's life. But I should be content just being me and being alone for a while. Focusing on myself. Selfish?...maybe. But who cares! I can be generous and selfless later. Now is the time to be selfish and love every second of it! It is time to be my own company. The best kind of company there is.

Love, chocolate, and other beautiful things,
Kylene